I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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