Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she pinky promised me she was 18
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Randomize
