mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
