this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
