I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
