Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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