I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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