when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I would fuck him just for his dog
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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