I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
