K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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