dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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