i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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