Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
