Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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