The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
