I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Threesome in a minivan. New low
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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