it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
