he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
