"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize