Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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