i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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