smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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