can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
