Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
