mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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