I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
