My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize