Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
