every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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