I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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