u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
