Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
