I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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