You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
