Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
