i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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