So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
