i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
