you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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