dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
