Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
