My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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