How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
