The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
