i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
