I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
