You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
