Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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