if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Two words: nipple clamps
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