Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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