You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I understand Curling. That high.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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