Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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