did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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