chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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