Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
