i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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