That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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