Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
