I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
