Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
