last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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