Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How does one acquire holy water?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
