If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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