i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm always down for nudity.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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