I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
